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The Lavatory Wall ~ Readers Contributions 3
A woman decided to have a face-lift for her birthday. She
spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.
The next morning,
she stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving she says to
the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you
think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the woman says
happily.
A little while later she goes to McDonald's for lunch and
asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd
guess you're
29?"
Nope,"she says, "I am actually 47." And now, she's really feeling
good about herself.
While standing at the bus stop, she asks an old man the same
question, but he replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going.
But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If
I put my hand down your pants for two minutes I will be able to tell
your exact age."
As no one else was around, the woman agreed and let the
old man slip his hand down her pants.
Two minutes later the woman says,
"OK, that's enough. How old am I?"
"You're 47", said the old man. Stunned the woman says,
"Incredible! How did you do that?" To which the old man replied,
"I was behind you at McDonald's."
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box
under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30
years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of
their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted
the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans
and$1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she
confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise
and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation
was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the
empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that
after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was
unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to
remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am
very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away
from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times
is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked
Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered,
"Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the
recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
EA
A man is in bed with his wife when....
there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the
morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls
over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. Resignedly, he
drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and
looks questioningly at the man standing at the door. It didn't take the
homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get
lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the
door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened, and she says,
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down
in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter,
and you had to knock on that man's door, and he got up in the middle of
the night, in the rain, and came out to help us to get us started again?
What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the
wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help
him."
Grumpily, our hero gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes
downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger
anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please!" Still being unable to see the
stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The stranger replies, "I'm over
here, on your swing!"
EA
NEW BOOTS
Sam and Bessie are senior citizens and Sam always wanted an expensive
pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a
pair and
wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different
about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same
pants.
What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and
Comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots.
Again he says,
"Bessie,
Do you notice anything different?"
What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down
Yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's
looking at my new boots!!!!!"
Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"
EA
A Poem by an Old Timer
Thanks Joe M
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean,
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend,
And gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things,
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3 inch floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file,
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home,
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pen and paper,
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
Got a good one? Send it in
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