The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Since they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try did not take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each pig, twice, for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day with them and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck ..and one of them is honking the horn." 
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they couldn't afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. This medical procedure also works in Mississippi, Tennessee, West Virginia, North & South Carolina, Arkansas, Kentucky, and now Florida.
One day an elderly man decided that since he had never fathered any children that he would make a deposit to the local sperm bank. At the sperm bank a young doctor gave the man a jar and told him to go into the bathroom and put his deposit in it. After what seemed like a long time the young doctor began to worry about the elderly man so he went to the bathroom door and knocked and ask if he was all right. No answer came from beyond the door so the doctor opened the door finding the elderly man breathing hard and sweating. The Dr. asks, "Are you OK!" The elderly man replied, "Son, it is not as easy as it use to be. I have slapped it, spit on it and beat it on the wall. I even ran hot water on it, I ran cold water on it and I can't get the lid off this jar to save my life!"
The lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. They set up their tent and fall asleep. Some hours later the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend, "Tonto , look up in the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars." "What does that tell you ?" asks the Lone Ranger. Tonto thinks for a moment . "Astronomically speaking it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologially, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically , it appears to be about a quarter past three. Theologically , it is evident that the Lord is a supreme presence and that we are insignificant by comparison. Meteorologically, it seems that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow . What it tell you , Kemo Sabi ?" The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment , then says , " Tonto , you Dumb Ass , someone has stolen our tent!"
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
Married Life This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..." "Where are you going coochy cooh...?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan,India, etc. The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie...but the bar....you know...the frozen glass..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face??? She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres poochi ? She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket,mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words cutie pie?...HERE, DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN F**KING MUG, AND EAT YOUR F**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!"
Computer Virus THE PROZAC Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care. THE AL GORE Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting. THE CLINTON Virus - Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory. THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. THE LEWINSKY Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then E-mails everyone about what it did. THE RONALD REAGAN Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. THE MIKE TYSON Virus - Quits after two bytes. THE OPRAH WINFREY Virus - Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb. THE JACK KEVORKIAN Virus - Deletes all old files. THE ELLEN DEGENERES Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted. THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO Virus - Only attacks minor files. THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back. ...and my personal favorite... THE LORENA BOBBITT Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards it through Windows. Thanks to Joe M. 
Got a good one? Send it in
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